During my entire pregnancy I was thrilled about bringing this beautiful soul into the world and the amazing bonding I would experience by choosing to breastfeed. I did my research and I was ready to go!
Scarlett Cecilia born May 18th, 2014
Sometimes things don’t go as expected. When I arrived at the hospital thinking I was in labor early, I was told that I had preeclampsia, meaning my blood pressure was high and I was at risk for having a seizure. Because of this they highly suggested that I be induced. I wasn’t excited about this option as it wasn’t in my plans, but I opted to do what the doctor said would be the best option for both me and my daughter.
They put me on a medication that made me feel like I had the flu. I was horribly sick, weak and altogether far from my usual self. After delivery, when they placed Scarlett on my chest (the most beautiful moment in my entire life) I noticed she was very groggy. I had high hopes of trying the golden hour but with her laying there like a lump on a log, it wasn’t going to happen. I attempted breastfeeding but she just wasn’t into it. She was so out of it. That being said, my first experience with trying to get her to the breast wasn’t very pleasant. They gave me a hospital grade breast pump which I attempted several times but due to the side effects of the medication, I was unable to produce very much milk at all. I was devastated.
Upon returning from the hospital I got my own on the go breast pump and followed guidelines for exclusive pumping. I was happy about being able to give her the nutrients of the breastmilk but was very discouraged by doing all this hard work without the benefit of having that breastfeeding experience. It just wasn’t my cup of tea. I decided to stop after about 8 weeks of exclusive pumping.
For months after many attempts of trying to breastfeed, I gave up entirely. I felt like a worthless mother and had a tremendous amount of guilt from not continuing to try until it worked. It took up until recently (a year later) for me to get to a place of peace where I realized I did my best at the time.
It has been my experience that our bond is just as close as it would have been had I breastfed. When I’m feeding this beautiful baby in my arms and she wraps her finger around my hair, looks at me longingly and makes those cute grunts as if to say “thanks for the milk, Mama!” I smile and think to myself, we couldn’t possibly be any closer.
In short, whether bottle feeding or breastfeeding your baby please know they are in love with you! You are thier Momma! You feed them, change them, love them, take care of their every tiny need. You are their sole source of everything. You are their world. Enjoy it! If you feel bad for not breastfeeding pick yourself up, continue that good ol’ skin to skin contact and dive into learning about new ways to bond with your baby.
As you can see, this little girl’s not missing out on anything!